House-builder, you are seen! You will not build a house again! All the rafters are broken, The ridgepole destroyed; The mind, gone to the Unconstructed, Has reached the end of craving!’ (Dhammapada)
It’s two whole months since my last post but I don’t feel that I have much to say that feels new. Internally this seems to be a fallow time of undoing, digesting, mulling over the reality of radical interconnectedness through simply sitting and walking and being with the sheer mystery of it all and waiting to see what unfolds. Trusting that something will eventually unfold without pushing for it - that deeper level of trusting is still the hardest thing for me, even after all those years of buddhist practice - to genuinely surrender my ego. Really developing faith and confidence that life will go on fine without my trying to direct and control it; to loosen my grip on that illusory steering wheel enough to begin to allow life and the world to guide me to whatever needs to be done, to just go with the flow. Including sitting patiently and with open curiosity through these doldrums periods where nothing much seems to be happening, rather than impatiently and uselessly pressing the forward button when the time is not yet ripe perhaps for the kind of living I’d love to fully enter:
Light swings open a door and the many kinds of love rush out onto the infinite green field. (Hafiz)
I’m glad I sat down during this unexpected free hour this morning to put this uncomfortable murky sense of just now into words, as it’s now much clearer to me! Maybe what makes the doldrums feeling so uncomfortable and out of synch somehow is that in terms of outward activities, my life is yet again mad busy…all fruitful and enjoyable contexts and activities but as usual, too many of them so that it often feels like I’m chasing my tail and have to keep on changing modes of being abruptly, which I’ve never been very good at. I seem to need a broad, stable base and an atmosphere of timeless spaciousness around my experiences to enter the depths rather than flounder about in the shallows, somewhat chronically stressed with occasional flashes of slight inspiration which then fizzle out again. And with my elder years now fast approaching, establishing more conducive conditions for fully living at a steady depth is beginning to feel more urgent.
After writing that last paragraph it was time to set off for my first shamanic drum journey - an exploration of the lower wold. Interestingly, my experience completely mirrored my description above: I had a promising starting point at the roots of my favourite tree, started descending, but then soon got stuck in a kind of murky in-between world of vague pulsing colours, lights and shadows, unable to progress any further, and somehow not fully engaged with the process - despite being immersed in the drumming sound and my conscious intention to proceed being strong and clear. Let’s see what happens in my dreams over this coming weekend, as something unconscious seems to be powerfully holding me back - and not only on the drum journey but more generally from surrendering to the transcendental dimensions of life and the cosmos. Over and out for now…
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Thank you so much for generously and trustingly? fearlessly? sharing your thoughts and feelings. You describe them and the processes so beautifully. You’re right to proceed (or not!) with patience and curiosity. I’m often guilty of pushing, trying to direct my life to where I think it should be. Your approach of waiting and trusting in openness is undoubtedly a better way and a good pointer for me. So pertinent to me too, approaching elderhood faster than you, the observation that finding a level of consistent peace seems to become increasingly important. Thank you. It will be interesting to see what your dreams show you. 🙏🏻 X
Thank you so much for generously and trustingly? fearlessly? sharing your thoughts and feelings. You describe them and the processes so beautifully. You’re right to proceed (or not!) with patience and curiosity. I’m often guilty of pushing, trying to direct my life to where I think it should be. Your approach of waiting and trusting in openness is undoubtedly a better way and a good pointer for me. So pertinent to me too, approaching elderhood faster than you, the observation that finding a level of consistent peace seems to become increasingly important. Thank you. It will be interesting to see what your dreams show you. 🙏🏻 X